Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - Part Two

How can we raise our children to be feminists? The key, is to try.

Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions

Adichie tackles the question “how can we raise our children/daughters to be feminists?” by writing a letter to her friend, which could serve as a map to follow or a list of suggestions that may help with the creation of a more fair world. The key, as Adichie suggests, is to try. She begins by explaining “Your feminist premise should be: I matter. I matter equally. Not ‘if only.’ Not ‘as long as.’ I matter equally. Full stop” (p6). How can we expect others to treat us with respect, when we do not hold our own opinions of ourselves to the same standard? Your experiences, your opinions and your personal identity do not need to be justified to 'count', and we must try to remember this.

Now, I promise I will not give the entire book away, because this pocket book is a treat that succinctly explains fifteen feminist ideas in 60 pages. I will however touch briefly on five small burning embers of wisdom.

1. “‘Because you are a girl’ is never a reason for anything. Ever” (p14).

Gender should never limit a person. Adichie encourages her readers to challenge the contemporary notions of gender roles, overtly questioning our conditioned ideas of gender. To me, I enjoy cooking, not because I am a woman, but because I respect the art of it. That being said, my partner enjoys cooking as well, and we often cook together. When we first started dating I remember hearing comments echoing “oh he cooks? Keep him!”. But cooking is an important life skill that supports self-reliance, and should not be associated with gender in any way. Many famous ‘chefs’ are men, even though the adage of ‘women belong in the kitchen’ still gets tossed around as a ‘light-hearted joke’. Gendering activities is not funny. Light-hearted jokes about women in the kitchen are micro-aggressions (subtle gestures or phrases that perpetuates oppression by re-affirming problematic stereotypes as natural and inevitable) that contribute to the negative assertion that women must assume the 'caretaker' role. These stereotypes or assumptions are not only harmful to the specific or targeted minority (ie. women) but also to anyone who does not identify with the binary genders of ‘male’ or ‘female’.

2. “Teach her that if you criticize X in women but do not criticize X in men, then you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women” (p27).

Adichie suggests X to be replaced with “words like ‘anger,’ ‘ambition,’ ‘loudness,’ ‘stubbornness,’ ‘coldness,’ or ‘ruthlessness’” (p27). Males are praised for being ‘assertive’, while women are dismissed, judged and criticized for being too ‘bossy’ or ‘bitchy’. Why can’t we accept women who are confident and strong-willed? Why can’t we accept men who are sensitive and caring? Feminism aims to combat gender stereotypes and work towards equality for all genders, including those who do not identify within the male-female binary.

3. “Teach her to love books...If she sees you reading, she will understand that reading is valuable” (p25).

As an educator, and a lover of books (why else would I start this ambitious literary criticism blog??) I truly believe that books are a valuable and under-rated source of education. Books can teach empathy, compassion, and inspire people of all ages to question and explore. Moreover, the best teaching method is ‘to lead by example’. As a parent, one should be aware that their little ones are always watching them, observing and listening to how you critique yourself, how you talk about and engage with others, and what you value (books vs. the ever engrossing digital world just being one example). I recognize that I have not experienced parenthood at this point in my life, but I believe that as a parent, you want to raise your children to be the best that they can be. Therefore, I agree with Adichie and her promotion of teaching the love for literature. Also, be aware of what you are reading, and what novels your children pick up, and if the novel may have problematic elements, how can you discuss the book to recognize and combat these elements?

4. “Teach her to reject likability... We have a world full of women who are unable to exhale fully because they have for so long been conditioned to fold themselves into shapes to make themselves likeable” (p36-7).

Women, as well as all other genders, especially in the generation dominated by social media, stress and obsess about their ‘likability’; how many friends/followers do I have, how many likes did I get on that photo/post, who is talking about me, who is talking to me, who likes me? People are driven to focus on likability; in school, in social circles, in the workplace. But when we focus too much on being liked, we forget or suppress qualities that make us uniquely who we are. Both women and men (as well as gender fluid, genderqueer, and trans individuals) should spend less time on developing ‘an image’ (an ideal that people perceive to be ‘you’) that people will like, and more time on their personality and character that can be respected (what actually makes you ‘you’).

5. “Be a full person” (p7).

Adichie associates this with the misconception that motherhood should be all consuming and therefore is all fulfilling. To be a full person is to accept that you have multiple roles in life, and that there does not have to be a strict hierarchy of ‘roles’ (ie. mother, wife, sister, daughter, career, etc). Not to mention that some women do not want to be mothers, and this does not make them any ‘less of a woman’.

Furthermore, as I had mentioned earlier, your children are watching you. Therefore, they will notice if you never take time for yourself, or if you are perpetually burnt out. As a woman, you are allowed to enjoy your career without feeling like you are a ‘bad parent’. As a mother, you are allowed to read a book, take a hot bath, or go to the gym, so that you can take care of your own physical and mental health, which in turns benefits your child.

Please remember that you are a complex diverse human being. You cannot be defined by one role or one title. You cannot be defined solely by your sexuality or gender.

You have various needs, and you should recognize and attend to your personal needs just as much as you should attend to your child’s. By taking care of yourself, you are teaching your child self-worth. Your child will recognize that they are important, they matter, and that they matter equally. Full Stop.

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